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The Storm Damage Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW But it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] on today's show, harold's going through some of his normal teenage angst, bill's got a little squirrel there with a real big nut to deal with, I'm gonna do some driving and show you how to find a parking spot, even during rush hour. Anmy uncle, red green!Son they invented life jackets, wa-a-a! Red: Thank you very much. And here's the reason we don't wear life jackets, my nephew, harold. [ bear growls ] hello! Things are real hectic up at the lodge this week. We just got the weather report in. Huge storm warning coming that's gonna blow all the boathouses flat. I didn't hear anything about a storm-warning effect on the radio. Well, harold, we don't listen to the radio for our weather report. We get our weather stuff direct from old man sedgwick's body. Old man sedgwick's body can't predict the weather! Except for maybe a cold front moving in. Oh, sure it can, harold. Stiff neck means snow. When his left hand cramps up like that, it means it'll be a cold, sunny day, just around freezing. When his shoulders get sore, temperature's gonna go up. This morning, his hip seized up so bad, we know there's a big storm coming. And judging by the way he's hunched over, I think you can expect a lot of wind. [ bear growls ] this is way more entertaining than staring at a forest. [ pulley squeaks ] [ percussion and guitar playing ] ♪ well, this is a story about lucy depp ♪ ♪ she had a husband that snored ♪ [ snorts ] ♪ and nothing would stop him and nothing would help ♪ ♪ at least nothing that lucy could afford ♪ ♪ they say you should wake a snorer up ♪ ♪ so that's what lucy did ♪ ♪ the good news is, it stopped his snoring ♪ ♪ but lucy now has 17 kids ♪ [ water gurgles ] okay, you got a problem because you got an anniversary that you think is coming up, but, in fact, is not coming up. It has gone by. It was yesterday. You pulled a complete blank, total anemia. And now you got to be digging yourself out 'cause, brother, you are in the deep stuff. Which, you know, happens to be my specialty, eh? So you could say, "oh, geez. "I forgot about our anniversary." you could say that, you know, and you could just lie a little bit and say, "oh, well, that doesn't matter. You know, maybe she would forgive you. She won't. And why should she? So here's what you do. You tell her you've postponed the anniversary till the weekend because the special gift that you got her won't be delivered till then. This is great. Now you got till the weekend to get the gift. Now, if you forget to get her a gift on the weekend, you're on your own, bud. Or plan "b." plan "b." you whip out your wallet and you point to last year's calendar card. And you go, "pfft! There's your problem! "right day, wrong year. "looks like next year we'll just have to celebrate the anniversary twice." that might work. Of course, if it doesn't, you know, you might not even be celebrating the anniversary the once. [ ducks quacking ] you know, old man sedgwick has got me thinking about something that we don't do very well up here at the lodge -- advertise. He has the ability to predict weather with his body, and he's not making a thin dime off of it. If he was that ronco guy, he'd probably market it as the popeil pocket pool weather picker, but old man sedgwick refuses to get up off his asset and advertise. You got to blow your own horn, even at his age, and so do we. If we want to keep "the red green show" on the air, despite the critics and the ratings and the networks. We're gonna have to advertise, too. Now, I suppose we could take out an ad in something like the new york times or put the name of the show on the exposed body parts of exotic dancers, but that costs money. I got a better idea that I stole from winston rothschild, the local septic-tank-pumper guy around here. Painting your name and/or product right onto your vehicle. It's free. It's mobile. It'll be seen by everybody you pass, back into, or drive over. I haven't just stopped at putting my name on my car here. No, sir. I painted her up just like the possum van, which is world-famous in parts of alaska. I even put some of the handyman secret roll bar in here up on the corners. Well, technically, this isn't actually my car -- it's buster's -- but I think he'll really like what I've done with it. I even put teeth onto the -- onto the front bumper, just like I got on the possum van, and I put the possum brotherhood crest up here on the hood so it'll be spotted by them traffic helicopters. But, you know, they tell me that for somebody to have an ad sink into them, they've got to see it 25 times. Well, you can't drive past somebody 25 times on the highway without incurring a lot of angry gestures or possible gunplay. So I'm saying, why don't I drive this thing at a pace where I'll get a rotating high frequency of venues in front of my target audience, which is to say I'm gonna drive 200 laps in a car race. Announcer: Car number 11, red green, from possum lodge. Red: Well, obviously, a lot of guys have the same idea. But at least I'll wave. Maybe then I'll stand out a little bit from the rest. Announcer: Green flag is down, and we are racing! Red: And away we go. And the important thing here is, in the car race, to get in one of the outside lanes so you're out there where the people can see you, and just do whatever you can to draw attention to yourself. I'm kind of scanning the audience, see how many of them are looking, reading "the red green show" sign, and maybe possibly -- there's the possibility I took my eyes off the road a little bit too long, and I think it's just buster's car doesn't corner. Oh, geez. I stalled her. Oh, man. [ engine sputters ] come on. Come on, baby. Come on. Come on. [ engine turns over ] there we go. There we go. And just merge, merge, merge. Excuse me. Excuse me. There we go. Now -- now -- now the dirt -- that's not -- that's not a good thing. Anyway, now I'm in the middle lane, so I'm, uh, being exposed to an entirely different set of drivers, but maybe not so much to the stands, and then we carom back outside -- back outside. There we go. Nice move. Nice move. And that car is looking good, isn't it? Glad we washed her. There's this darn curve again. And this car just -- oh, buster, for gosh -- I was just -- oh, oh, oh. Stalled her. [ engine sputters ] oh, man. [ engine turns over ] announcer: Red green, car number 11, is now in reverse. He is running in the wrong direction. Red: Oh, I thought I'd give them a little different angle here so they'd get to see the sign from both sides. I'll tell you one thing, they won't forget me. I dare you guys to hit me. I was kidding. Stay tuned. Dalton's gonna sell you one of his precious antiques. And look -- it's sap time up at the lodge. I wanted to talk to you younger viewers out there about guns. I hear where kids are carrying guns to high school, to junior high school, even to public school, and these kids are not part of the school's biathlon team. Seems that show-and-tell has given way to "shoot and ask questions later." now, I'll admit there's a certain amount of hunting that goes on up here at the lodge, but it's all legal, it's in season, and it's done with all the safety rules in mind. And, besides, nothing ever gets shot, 'cause the animals have the intellectual edge. But guns are for sport, not for school. I blame the parents. I think you've got to watch for the signs when a kid has some bad study habits. For example, when you got a 9-year-old going to school with a semiautomatic weapon, there's a pretty good chance he doesn't have his homework done. I think maybe that's time for dad to sit down, have a father/son talk, and give him the guidance that he needs. Maybe give him a hug or tell him how much you care about him. Start to rebuild that relationship that you've let slip away. Just make sure he keeps his hands out where you can see them. [ rattling ] well, we are moments away from the biggest rip-snorting storm to hit this area since the one that washed away possum hill. Everything around the lodge of value has been nailed down, tied down, bolted down, or buried. Old man sedgwick's hips are seized up so bad, he had to get somebody else to do his paper route. Uncle red, I've scanned the clear blue horizon. There's not a cloud in the sky. The best weather computers and satellite photos say there is going to be no storm. Wa-a! Even the color radar on the weather channel says there's no precipitation in the area, and you know television doesn't lie. Yeah, right. Well, junior doesn't agree with you, harold. He took all the shingles off his roof and put them down the basement so he knows where to find them when the storm's over. Moose thompson has boarded up his windows, and flinty mcclintock even took down his christmas lights. See the panic you're causing? There is going to be no storm! Harold, I'm only gonna say this once. If you care about your chickens as much as you say you do, I think you'd better get out there and tie up that coop and batten down the hatches. Wa-a-a! Why?! Why? Because of some old man in the woods with a calcium deficiency in his hip joints? [ zap! ] what's that? Wasn't me, harold. Maybe it was the storm. My chickens. My chickens! Forget it, harold. They're halfway to oz by now. [ bear growls ] you know, to most people, mother nature is just a quaint fairy tale, but to native people, earth mother is a very real spirit. To me, she's a big sumac named gwendolyn. Red: We're over here by the main highway at humphries everything store to kind of assess the amount of damage done by the storm, and it looks to me like there's been plenty here. That can't be good news for our resident curio and antique collector dalton humphries. Dalton, exactly how much damage did you sustain out here? Damage? Whoa, not enough for me, I'll tell you. Just wish I'd had a chance to get more furniture out in the rain. Well, you lost me there, dalton. You know, any antique dealer worth his salt knows how to use weather to his advantage. Now, take your acid rain, your toxic rain -- nothing discolors a stain more evenly or ages more beautifully. You can't get texture like this out of a can. Oh, so rain is good. Oh, rain is good, yeah. Snow is better. Wow. There's nothing like the sense of history you get with freezing temperatures and then a slow thaw. Look at this thing. This is money in the bank. All this flaking paint just screams "old" to people. You can't fake this kind of stuff with a heat gun. I've tried. No, no, no. That's what gives you the perfect flake job. Look at that. So, this is why the antique dealers leave all their stuff outside, right? Oh, trade secret. [ both laugh ] yeah, precipitation. That's the key, huh? Yep, precipitation, and, you know, sun is good, too. You know, with this -- this thinning ozone layer's been a real boon to the antique industry. Oh, sure. Here, look, look. Look at this. Look. How old would you say this is? Mid-'40s. Yeah? Bought it brand-new two years ago. Left it on the roof of the old tool shed. Wow. Yeah, it's beautiful. $15 turned to $200. Well, thank you, dalton. Always good to know this stuff, isn't it, folks? Yeah. Oh, boy. Looks like it's turning nice. Maybe we'll get a heat wave, huh? Got those chairs over there just turning like pretzels. [ spraying ] how come some guys are so territorial about their cars, uncle red? Territorial, harold? These are guys, not timber wolves. They don't go around marking their cars with their scent. Well, at the last tailgate party, they did. Okay. Like -- like junior singleton, right? Every morning, he's out there, and he's washing his car. I mean, at lunch, he's out there waxing it, and then right after supper, he's out there buffing it. He's rubbing that thing from top to bottom five times a day. He's just protecting his investment, harold. He's trying to keep the value up on what many people consider to be a classic example of automotive styling and engineering. An '86 omni? Well, I don't know, harold. There's something about a car, that's all -- the style, the power -- something. A girl in my class told me that a man's vehicle is just a substitute for his you know what. That's a good thing, harold, 'cause lights, mirrors, and mud flaps look a lot better on a car, believe me. [ squeaking ] "wooden toboggan," by me. "when I go tobogganing, I ride on one that's wood. "it's faster than aluminum, and I think fast is good. "and wood will bend if you hit rocks, "not like sleds made of metal. "and wood makes a good stretcher for the ride to the hospital." [ explosion ] [ clock cuckoos ] time for "adventures with bill." bill said he's gonna stop on the way and get some breakfast. He, uh, picked up some waffles, which, uh, I usually like waffles, but these ones, I don't know. They were pretty dried out. [ cracks ] yeah. Very dried out, I'd say, in fact. But anyway, the idea's -- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. The idea is bill's gonna look and find some -- not in there, bill. Bill's gonna look and find some syrup to put on them, and he's got this stick, apparently, he uses to tap on the trees, and -- [ clinks ] oh, one less isn't gonna hurt. They're definitely dried out. So, he taps on the tree, and -- that one sounds kind of hollow. No, no. And now, this is interesting. This stump is completely covered with the syrup. I guess -- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So, that stuff is very, very sticky. I guess the stuff had all gone down into the stump. What's that? What's that? What? Oh, oh, oh, for god's sake. A little squirrel all stuck to the syrup. Bill, help him out there. Get him off that tree. Get him. There he goes. There he goes. Oh, he's fine. He's fine. He's fine. Oh, isn't that a cute little guy? [ zoom! ] oh. Well, there goes your stick, bill. But it doesn't matter. We know there's syrup in that thing, so we just take a pipe with a valve on the end, and bill drives it in here. Whoa! He'll be back, but he won't be swinging the hammer with me holding her, I'll tell you that. So, I drive her in. He hangs the bucket on. You just open the valve and watch the syrup just flow, flow. Oh, my gosh. Eh, what do we do now, bill? Well, bill's never short of an idea. Not a good idea, but an idea. He's got the tensor bandage there for all of his injuries. He starts unwinding that off his leg, and I believe that goes right up to his armpits. I'm not gonna help him. You notice that. And he starts winding that around the tree real tight so there's tension on there. I'm awful glad people don't walk along when we're doing this. They might have some embarrassing questions for us. Now he opens up -- oh, my gosh. Too much pressure! Too much pressure! Turn it down, bill! Turn it down! Get the waffles! Get the waffles! Get the waffles! Bill, get the waf-- bill, forget your jacket. Get the waffles! Might as well get the syrup on there. There you go. There you go. There you go. And, wow, just in the nick of time, too. That's pretty well drained dirt-dry, I guess. And there's all the waffles all done and everything. Uh, no thanks, bill. I'll -- I'll feed mine to the animals. Stay tuned for special guest graham greene in his most explosive role. Winston rothschild here for rothschild sewage and septic sucking services, where our motto is "waste not, pump not!" 1-800-555-suck. [ thunk ] ha! Okay. I got -- I got a memo here from, uh, stinky peterson. It says, "to all members of possum lodge, "please stop calling me 'stinky.' I'm sick of it." well, good for you, stinky -- uh, mr. Peterson. Sorry. Ha! "my -- my new nickname is 'aromatic.'" [ rattling ] well, now, that was a humdinger. I love the way the storm clears the air. No more paint fumes or diesel fumes. Oh, harold, I forgot to ask. How are your chickens? [ crying ] you know as well as I do they flew the coop! Luckily, the coop flew, too. Well, I found it nine miles down the highway. Who says chickens can't fly, eh, harold? All the little feathers were blowing off. Somersaulted into town! Now you won't have to scramble their eggs. My rhode island red -- rhode island red caught under a tree! Little, tiny chicken mcnuggets. So... Yeah, I heard, harold. That's too bad. You know, and -- and the tall pine tree went down, the big one that's been in town for so darn long there. It fell over like a relative at an open bar. That's terrible! That tree's a part of our heritage. Well, right now that pine tree has the highway completely closed. Life in possum lake has ground to a halt. How can you tell the difference? Well, harold, it's given us the opportunity to have a chainsaw party. 6 hours and 130 decibels from now, the highway will be open and everybody will have enough firewood to last the winter. Coming, harold? No. I'm just gonna go look for my last chicken. Well, you know, it's probably under the pine tree, like in that joke, "why did the pine tree cross the road? To get to the other chicken.' [ tires screech ] okay. Here's one now from moose thompson. Moose writes, "I'm tired of my nickname. "it makes me sound big and dumb and stupid. "so, everyone, stop calling me moose thompson. My new nickname is moose johnson." [ bear growls ] we're up here with our friend ranger gord. Hi, red. Hi, everyone. I miss you. Okay. All right, gord. What are you doing today? Making party invitations, red, because I realized that people aren't showing up for my get-togethers here at the fire tower because of the bland, ordinary invitations I'm sending out. Well, it may not be that big of a factor. Sure, it is. Sure, it is. You know, I mean, because who doesn't like femo parties or sleepovers, huh? So, I thought that, after the chainsaw party, we could all come up here and I could build a big bonfire and tell the story about the history of possum pine. Boy, they'll be scalping tickets for that one, won't they? Oh, yeah. [ laughs ] and take a look at this invitation. Is that groovy or what? There's nothing written on this card. [ laughs ] gotcha. See? This is good camp fun. Even the kids can get in on this gag. It's written in invisible ink, and all you need is some lemon juice and a matchstick like this. See? And then you write you out your invitation. Oh, for gosh sakes. See? This is a far more interesting invitation. It's environmentally friendly, and it helps people get into the spirit of the party before they even get there. It's true, and it won't stop with invisible invitations. I'm guessing you're gonna have invisible guests, too. Great. They can meet all my other invisible friends. [ tires screech ] and, finally, there's one from my uncle red. "I'm tired of being called red green. "from now on, I want to be called an unpronounceable symbol that represents the singer who used to be called prince." [ buzzing ] and welcome to "the experts" portion of the show. This week, claiming to be an expert with my uncle red, is mr. Edgar k.B. Montrose! [ applause ] all righty. This week's letter is from "butt," montana. That's pronounced "butte," harold. Oh, really? Yeah. Wa-a-a! They moved. Now they're living in butte, montana. "dear experts, one of the casement-style windows "in our dining room is stuck shut. What's the best way to get it sliding again?" well, you've just probably painted her shut there. You got to cut that through with a razor blade or a sharp knife. That's pretty labor-intensive, red. Maybe the window's stuck 'cause the house is settling. You see, when a house gets to be, say, 40 years old, it settles and sags and buckles. I've been there. You're still there. Well, in that case, you take apart a couple of .22 shells, you see, and you pour the powder into the corner of the frame, and -- swoom! -- You can pop that window out of there in no time flat. That -- that sounds pretty dangerous. Huh? Dangerous! It sounds dangerous! Oh, no, no, harold. It's not so dangerous. For some reason, "dynamite" is one of those expressions that scares people, like, uh -- like "nerve gas." so, would you blow out the one window, edgar, or all the windows? Well, if you're gonna take out more than one, you're further ahead just to take out the whole house. 15 charges all the way around the perimeter, a double right in the middle of the cellar floor, and you can make that 3-bedroom bungalow get up and do a jig. Wouldn't our viewer have to rebuild his whole house, though? So? If you plant your charges properly, when you blow up your house, your brick and your wood and your plumbing all land in three separate piles. [ rattling ] well, there's nothing I hate worse than canceling a chainsaw party. We just tooted our horns, put on our hats, were ready to go there. Old man sedgwick yells out, "whoa! The hips are seized up! "got another storm coming!" my chickens! Oh, no! My chickens! No, no. Harold, harold, harold! It was just a false alarm. Wasn't a storm. Turns out he has a medical problem. Wasn't the weather at all. Talk about thoughtless. Well, he ought to think about having a hip replacement. Well, that's exactly what he's doing. He's over at possum county hospital right now having the hip replacement. I thought they would need a donor, but I guess they're gonna use a couple of ball joints out of an old buick or something. No, uncle red, they're made out of plastic with teflon coating. They're excellent. My english teacher had his hips replaced, and he felt so much better, you know. Two weeks later, he went skiing, broke both his legs. Well, we don't need old man sedgwick to feel better. We need him to feel weather. Well, maybe the lodge can come out of the dark ages and buy, like, say, a barometer. No, we don't need it, harold. We're gonna get old man sedgwick's hips. The doctor's gonna give them to us after he takes them out. We're gonna use them as hinges on the outhouse door. Oh! Oh! And if you go out there and you pull on the door and she feels stiff to you, you know you're in for stormy weather. [ screeching ] oh, it's meeting time, uncle red. Oh, oh, that reminds me -- buster hadfield found a bunch of your chickens had survived the storm. They're all wedged into the soccer net over at the schoolyard. Oh, excellent! My chickens?! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my chickens! If my wife is watching, I'm gonna be a little bit late 'cause I'm gonna drop by the hospital and wish old man sedgwick the best of luck with the hip-replacement thing, and while I'm there, I might just browse through the hospital parts department, you know, for future reference. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching, and on behalf of harold and myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, until next time, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise. All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Uncle red, we've had a complaint from peg-leg johnson. To find out more about possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum or check out harold's home page on the internet, www.Redgreen.Com.